When thinking about your needs, take self-esteem and outcomes out of it

I notice that when women are trying to figure out what they need when they feel "off," 2 hurdles come up:

1. Self-esteem: You may get caught up in "I hate myself! Why should I take care of myself when I'm such a bad person?"

2. A specific outcome: You really hate your job. You really, really hate your job. It's hard to see beyond this. You look at the list of emotional needs to figure out how to describe your needs and think, " I don't need to figure out an emotional need. I already know what the problem is -- my job."

Here is how to get unstuck here:
1. Take self-esteem out of it. When you see a baby crying, you know that baby needs something, whether it's a "bad" or "good" baby. It needs hugs, it needs food, it needs a diaper changed, etc. When you are interrogating what you need, take self-esteem out of it. Whether you think you're a "good" or "bad" person, what we know is that you are A person, and you have needs. Try to "snooze" on the question of your goodness or badness, and treat yourself like a baby who is crying. Ask "what does the baby need, and how can I provide it for them?"

2. Ask, "what's the most important thing about my current lack?" We know you really hate your job. We know you really hate being single. But what does make your job suck so much? When you imagine a job in which you're happier, what do you imagine? What is important about getting a different job? What is important about getting a romantic partner? Interrogate the outcome you desire, and think of what seems most magical about achieving the outcome.

Most importantly, use a word from this list to describe what you are missing.

Consider speaking about your current predicament using a word from the list of emotional needs. Instead of telling people "I hate my job and can't wait to get out." Say, "I'm really looking for an environment with more flexibility. I want this so badly." Instead of saying, "I'm so sick of being single," say, "I'm really looking for the right kind of companionship in my life."

This language signals to your community what you actually want, and gets them excited about helping you achieve it. Note that using outcome-based language (such as "I want a new job" or "I want a wife") lets others fill in their preconceived notions about jobs and wives. They may assume you simply want to make more money, or that you're simply looking for the stability of marriage. Using "needs words" stops these misconceptions about what you're looking for, not only for yourself, but for everyone around you.